The Sailor Scouts Meet Reality
by SawyerRaleigh
Summary: What if Usagi got her wish that they could all just have normal lives? Would it actually end well? Probably not. XD CRACK. Or rather SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
1. College Life

_Author's Note: I have no good excuse for this. _

_EDIT: If you are looking for a serious fanfic with actual plot and character development then you have come to the wrong place. XD I recommend reading something by Celeste Aislin.  
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It all began with Usagi wishing that they would all have just be able to live normal lives, without special powers.

After high school, she, Mina, Mako, Rei and Ami were all immediately accepted into a local college where Mina promptly joined the most socially active sorority on campus. The rest of the girls eagerly joined her, with the exception of Ami who was initially concerned that if she devoted too much time to social activities that her grades might suffer. Eventually Mina was able to convince her that extracurricular activities would be real bonus points to put on a resume and potentially make Ami stand out even among her genius peers.

The semester had been going great so far, what with a party or two or three every single weekend. Ami had learned how to study while others drank and danced badly around her so that she could be seen out and about and thus fulfill her obligations to at least appear at the sorority's functions. The other girls meanwhile found their places in the group in other ways. Mina had quickly become extremely popular even among the older girls and was being encouraged to run for an office within the house for the next year. Rei had discovered a group of girls who had become fascinated by priestesshood as a result of anime. Rei was now enjoying being worshipped by the pair of freshmen who didn't actually understand the religion well enough to know that they were completely missing the point. Mako had discovered intramural sports and had quickly become the star of just about every school team that she could manage to play at once.

Everyone had found their way to shine at school, be it grades, sports, popularity, or just manipulation of dumber students. Everyone that is, except for Usagi.

It was her own fault though really, although she didn't know it. The only thing that Usagi had ever had going for her was being the Moon Princess and since she had brilliantly wished that away for a "normal life", she had gone back to being plain old dumpling-headed Usagi, who now was made fun of on a daily basis for her elementary-school pigtails, whiny voice, stupidity, and general selfishness. She had joined the Frisbee golf team with Mako and actually done well at it and so far that had been the only thing going for her since day one. Unfortunately, her poor grades quickly got her disqualified from the team and Usagi found herself downcast once more.

At least she had friends though, or so she originally thought. They quickly became so caught up in their own individual lives that Usagi found herself alone most nights, with no one to distract her from her dreaded homework.

Then one day when she was actually going to history of Southern China class for once (she had realized that there was a cute boy in there and she felt like it was worth going to watch him even if the subject was threatening to bore her to death) she had stumbled upon a group of students dressed in velvet, fluffy ball gowns. They introduced themselves to her as a cosplay club who dressed up according to a different theme every week. Intrigued, Usagi immediately joined and learned how to make costumes, albeit badly as her homemaking skills were as terrible as ever.

So once all of the former sailor scouts had settled into their respective routines, they saw less and less of one another until parties at the sorority house were the most contact they had with their original friend circle if then.

So one Friday night, after a despondent day dressed as a vampire and getting teased for keeping the pigtails with the look, Usagi decided to try dumping her so-called friends in the cosplay club and rekindle her friendship with her former group. Since the last person she had spent a lot of time with was oddly Mako, thanks to the Frisbee golf team, she tried her first.

Mako was in the kitchen that night, getting ready for that evening's party by mixing the sorority's signature "Pink Death" punch.

"Can I help?" Usagi offered, hoping to get on Mako's good side by helping her out in the kitchen. At least she remembered how much Mako loved to cook and how bad she herself was at it, so Usagi figured this was a great compromise. It couldn't be that hard to mix a drink could it? You just poured some of everything in it didn't you? Mako, unfortunately had forgotten about Usagi's tendency toward mishaps however and left the punch bowl to her while she turned away to find some snack bowls.

In a way, the punch was a hit. Or at least, it hit the party-goers pretty hard. About halfway down the bowl, everyone in the room was so drunk they could hardly stand, but they seemed to be having a great time.

So great in fact, that Mina had begun her own strip tease on one of the pool tables and when the officers showed up to address a "disturbance of the peace" she attempted to hit on them both. She was nearly arrested but managed to talk her way out of it and wound up spending some time sitting on a bench outside the sorority house, talking to one of the officers about work. Thus were the first drunken stirrings of her interest in criminal justice.

Meanwhile, Rei was lonely. She always did flip between being an angry drunk and a depressed drunk and here she was in a slump. She sat in the corner of the room, nursing another beer and thinking about how nice it would be to burn something. Fire was such a fun thing to play with; she had been a total pyromaniac as a child, a tendency her grandfather had squashed out of her with insistence upon prayer every time she got the urge to light a match. As a result, she had always associated prayer with the desire to burn things. Here now, her little fan club had been begging her all day to teach them a new prayer and all day she had been thinking about delicious little flames dancing in their own mockery of worship.

The idea nagged at her until she finally stumbled into the back room, rummaged through her belongings and found the matchbook she had always kept just in case. When she at last located her beloved matches, she immediately lit one, sighing with satisfaction as it flared to life and letting it burn down the tiny bit of wood until the flame reached her fingers, singeing the tips of them. She ignored the minor burns and lit another match, deciding that this time she wanted a larger flame to watch. So she held it close to the edge of the hideous polyester lime-green curtains her roommate had supplied upon move-in and watched the fire lick hungrily at them, eating and melting away at the sad excuse for fabric.

But the edge of her own comforter was hanging too closely to the curtains and soon the whole room was up in flames. Rei watched them for a while, transfixed, before it occurred to her to scream.

The entire sorority was evacuated, which one would think would have led to the end of the party, but instead the already drunken droves of young adults and old teenagers continued the debauchery out on the lawn, treating the burning house as though it were merely a large and magnificent bonfire until the fire department came and put out the flames. Rei did not fess up to having been the one to start the fire and somehow no one suspected her with one exception.

Mina had been furious about being separated from the cop who she had been chatting up for the hour before the whole fire incident and she was well aware of Rei's history as a pyromaniac as Rei had once set her hair on fire when they were small children, claiming that it would make her look like a glowing angel.

Rei was just sitting on a dark bench near the library when Mina found her, staring up at the stars.

"That's Venus." She announced vaguely as Mina approached.

"What?"

Rei pointed up at the sky at what looked like just a rather bright star. "That one right there. It's not a star, it's the planet Venus."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Mina demanded in irritation. She had come here to tell Rei off for doing something so dangerous and stupid, not to have her fortune read.

"It always reminds me of you. So bright and pretty."

Mina mentally stumbled.

"You're mad at me huh?" Rei sighed.

"Of course I'm mad at you!" Mina replied in exhasperation. "You nearly burned down where we live and all of our possessions!"

Rei fiddled with the edge of her skirt, looking for all the world like a lost and chastised child. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

Mina sighed and sank down on the steps beside her. "What made you do it anyway?"

"I guess I was just feeling really down you know?"

"About what?"

"Do you have any idea how long it's been since I had a boyfriend?"

Mina shook her head. "Well you have your fan club anyway."

"But that's just it!" Rei threw her hands up. "I can't get rid of those girls and they keep getting in the way of every guy I try to ask out, thinking that he's just tempting me to leave my virginal path to holy priestesshood!"

"Wait, you're still a virgin?"

Rei pouted. "I still haven't even been kissed."

Mina gaped then tilted her head with a mischievous grin. "Well there's an easy way to fix that."

When they returned to the now outdoor party, they insisted that nothing had happened but Mako noted the way their fingers were laced together and the missed buttons on Rei's shirt did not escape Ami's attention.

All of this of course escaped Usagi's attention as she was busy drunkenly declaring that she was in fact the princess of the moon. When one particularly malicious fraternity boy called her out on this, claiming that because people couldn't breathe on the moon there couldn't be a system of government there, Usagi grabbed a Frisbee and chucked it at him. It didn't do much harm though aside from surprising him slightly so she found another Frisbee and sharpened down one edge of it. That time it proved to be nearly fatal as the sharpened Frisbee damn near slit the guy's throat open.

Usagi was of course arrested by the police who were already hanging around still because of the whole disturbance of the peace/fire call. She wound up getting away with it without any pressed charges though somehow, possibly because Mina had introduced her to a super successful, albino lawyer named Artemis.

While the law was willing to overlook the indiscretion, unfortunately, the university was not. Usagi was unsurprisingly kicked out of the school and everyone who had gotten to know her over the last few years agreed that it was probably for the best that she got thrown out when she did as there had been a betting pool based on how long it would take her to flunk out.

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_A/N: So I have a whole future story for each of the sailor scouts and I was going to just post it all at once but since they have gotten rather long altogether, I thought I'd post a chapter for each scout so that they're a little easier to navigate. XD _


	2. Usagi, Chibiusa, and Hotaru

After being kicked out of school, Usagi got a job at McDonald's but was fired for stealing ice cream cones, although what she was doing with just the cones, no one ever discovered. Then she worked at a pizza parlor where she was fired for flinging pizza dough like a Frisbee at a patron, claiming that they "were totally a slimy monster in a past life". When authorities suggested that she be committed, she ran away from home and discovered that a prince from a neighboring country was visiting. She did the only natural thing to do in the circumstances as far as she was concerned and became his stalker, assuming that one day she would get the chance to save his life and then they would fall in love and she would never have to work again because princesses don't have to do anything ever.

Much to Usagi's delight however, it quickly became apparent that she would not have to go through the effort of bothering to save the prince's life as she found a much easier way to convince the prince to marry her: blackmail.

As she had been creepily following him one night, Usagi had seen the prince break into a jewelry store and steal a pair of diamond cufflinks. After following him for several weeks, she discovered that this was a regular gig for him and one night confronted him about it, nearly killing him of a heart attack when she leapt from the shadows of the jewelry store he was in the middle of raiding and yelling "aha!".

The prince believed that if Usagi had been truly shadowing him all this time then she must have discovered his darkest secret of all and quickly agreed to marry her in order to keep her quiet. Little did he know that Usagi usually gave up following him and went home to go to bed before he took his newly stolen gems to his secret gay lover.

It was extremely fortunate really that Usagi didn't find out about this secret lover of his in fact, not only because she would have tried to sabotage it in order to get the prince to marry her, but also because the aforementioned lover was none other than her ex-boyfriend, Mamorou who had faked his own death in a plane crash years earlier just to escape her.

So Usagi and the prince entered their sham of a marriage in a shower of stolen diamonds and all of the media and the country spent the next many years scratching their heads and wondering why on earth the prince had married such a worthless ditz.

They were all even more confused when the raven-haired, blue-eyed prince and the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Usagi produced a pink-haired, red-eyed daughter that they perversely called Chibi Usagi, even though the only thing she had in common with her mother was the way her hair seemed to have been permanently styled into pigtails.

Chibi Usagi, or Chibiusa, as she became known as, turned out unsurprisingly to be a spoiled brat with an attitude problem. This came as a shock to no one as her parents were both ridiculously wealthy and yet never seemed to pay her any attention as neither of them was really cut out to be a good parent. In her desperate attempts to get her parents' attention she began really acting out in her elementary school years and it was then that she met a slightly older girl by the name of Hotaru.

Hotaru was a goth and a rebel with an obsession with death. She never wore any color but black, red or purple, and adorned every surface she could with a badly drawn sharpie skull. She was a known wrist-cutter and spent all of her free time listening to screechy "music" or reading Hamlet by candlelight. She was the exact opposite of anything and everything her parents would approve of and so for Chibiusa, it was of course love at first sight.

This however did not last very long as Hotaru, in typical dark-twisted-soul-whom-no-one-really understands-fashion, slit her wrists. She was originally doing so out of the usual "someone please pay attention to me" motive, but Chibiusa got involved, somehow inexplicably made matters much worse, and Hotaru consequently wound up in a wood chipper. It was the most spectacular death broadcast on the Japanese news networks that year and ratings for every station that managed to get actual footage soared through the roof.

Usagi remained oblivious.

Chibiusa had so many unaddressed psychological and emotional issues that she could not deal with them anymore and ran away from home, growing up to become a prostitute known as the Black Lady until she was sued for implied racism.


	3. Ami

The school honor's program was rigorous to say the least, even for someone as talented and motivated as Ami. Nonetheless, she blew away her professors and fellow students and was quickly labeled a nearly irreplaceable asset to the school, especially after she made the largest leap toward curing skin cancer that the scientific community had seen yet.

In order to keep herself healthy and maintain her study habits, she made sure to go to sleep every single night at ten p.m., no later, so that she could reawaken at 5 a.m. and resume studying over a bowl of cereal and a half a grapefruit. Her roommate however, was not so tightly schedule-bound. She had a habit of coming in late, and turning on a lamp so she could see to change into her pajamas and brush her teeth. This quickly became a common point of contention between the two girls and yet no one recognized the warning signs.

Then one fateful night, the compulsive party-girl arrived at her dorm room at one in the morning, tripped and fell with a thud, waking Ami from a deep slumber the night before she was to present her findings on a rare, newly discovered species of whale that she had located in the south pacific over summer vacation. When Ami awoke, she was tired, stressed, and far from thinking straight. It wasn't until hours later that she came to, covered in her roommate's blood, still hacking away at a piece of her femur.

There were days of debate within the school board and they unanimously agreed to cover the story up. After her groundbreaking research on the effects of other galaxies on their own sun's orbit, they decided that she was too valuable to lose. They told the girls' parents that she had been killed in a freak chemistry lab accident and blew up one of their own labs with her remains inside just to hide the evidence. The police were never notified, Ami was moved to a different room, one without "koolaid" stains on the carpet and walls and ceiling, and she never received so much as a slap on the wrist for the incident. It was not the first time the seemingly sweet young genius had gotten away with murder. Nor would it be the last.

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_A/N: Dun Dun DUN!_


	4. Makoto

Mako meanwhile had not gone to college for the sake of academia. Her intention upon enrollment had always been to get some vague degree and find herself a husband before settling down, having some children, sending them off to school themselves, and maybe getting a job as a secretary if she started to empty-nest after they left. Just something on the side that wouldn't interfere with her cooking and cleaning.

She had a new crush at least once a week all the way through college, yet never seemed to gain a steady boyfriend. Somehow, having the obvious ability to snap men in two made them nervous to be around her. Men, right?

In the midst of her boy troubles after losing yet another young man's heart after a record-breaking win at women's weight lifting, Mako discovered a cooking class which she quickly joined, assuming that it would be an easy A and a good blow-off class. Also she might get to make some cookies and what could cheer her up more than that?

As it turned out, the class was devoted to serious culinary students and Mako found herself swept in a world devoted to the finest of fine French cuisine. In the end, she came out of the class with a modest B minus but far more importantly, she gained a love of true culinary art. From there on out, she knew what she wanted to study and devoted the rest of her college career to cooking.

So enthusiastic and talented did Mako prove to be, her professor recommended her for an internship in France where she would study under a five-star chef who had retired in order to share his knowledge and whip sharp young minds and hands like hers into shape.

It was there that she met Philippe, a dashing young intern like herself with a particular love of putting a western spin on classic sushi dishes. He reminded Mako strongly of her senpai. Actually technically because he was a year ahead of her, he was indeed her senpai which was all the more reason that they were meant to be together as far as she was concerned.

So she pined after him from afar like she usually did, obsessing somewhat creepily over a guy she had never bothered to actually introduce herself to. Same old, same old.

But then, something unexpected happened. They were assigned a project together and much to her shock and delight, Mako discovered that Philippe had been secretly admiring her from afar as well! As it turned out, she reminded him strongly of his younger sister, which had surprised him considering that Mako was Japanese and strangely did not look even remotely Asian. He had always been terribly fond of his little sister and so a soft spot in his heart had formed the moment he laid eyes on her. Of course, Mako had no idea that when he said "terribly fond of" he meant in the sense that he had in fact molested his younger sister and gotten kicked out of his family for it. She assumed they did not speak to him because they did not approve of his career path which just goes to show how little Mako knew about French culture and the prestige surrounding cuisine.

At any rate, the two fell madly in love, happily fulfilling one another's strange complexes and married in France, where they spent the rest of their days, teaching their children how to make every pastry under the froggy sun.


	5. Rei and Mina

Rei changed her major every semester, hitting everything from professional basket-weaving to mechanical engineering to anthropology to snowboarding. Eventually she gave up and dropped out of college with more credits than any one student had ever earned, just not enough of any one major to actually qualify her for a degree. (Although somehow she was only one credit away from a communications degree which was strange as she had never taken any communications courses.)

Abandoning college life at last, she found herself right back where she started: the hospital she was born in. This time around though it was because of alcohol poisoning. She had fallen into a deep depression as a result of winding up a priestess once more and her love of booze which she had discovered in college had burgeoned into a full-on obsessive romance as she attempted to replace her blood with vodka.

She swore after that horrible experience that she would sober up but this promise lasted about as long as most New Year's Resolutions do, aka, approximately four and a half days and so by Wednesday she was back to downing as much liquor as she could without coming up for air.

She couldn't very well find a job under the circumstances and so eventually ended up at her grandfather's temple again, which he had left to her after his untimely death as a result of a motorcycle accident. (In a fit of three-quarter life crisis, he had decided to buy himself a motorcycle but did not in fact even know how to get on one. After several failed attempts to mount "the damn thing" he had decided to jump off of the top of the temple onto it and sadly missed.)

So Rei took over the family business as it were and the temple unsurprisingly fell into disrepair as she could not be bothered to give a crow's tail about it. The only redeeming factor to being stuck with the temple, Rei noted, was that it had a large supply of ceremonial sake and wines. Those of course did not last more than about a week with her and she took to trying to make her own. When that failed, she returned to her usual cheap corner store booze.

One night, while drunk as usual, she decided that she needed to inform the world that it was a horrible and unfair place so she climbed to the top of the very building that her grandfather had leapt from in his attempt to fulfill his dream of looking cool on a motorcycle and began shouting profanities into the wind.

This was not the first time the police had been called due to a disturbance of the peace over at her temple, but they all always dreaded having to deal with Rei so whenever someone phoned her in again, they either drew straws to see who would be saddled with the crazy priestess, or they convinced a newbie to go handle it. This particular night, they were fortunate that there was indeed a new girl at the station and she was more than willing to jump on the assignment.

Mina had thought that the location of the disturbance had sounded familiar but she had never thought that it would lead to both her past and her future. She recognized the temple the moment she set foot on the grounds and immediately felt a headache begin to form.

"Rei?" She called out wearily. "Rei, did you set another fire here somewhere?"

Rei had grown tired of shouting out profanities and returned to drinking on the rooftop some thirty minutes before Mina arrived and was now passed out on the roof so did not respond. It took wandering over the entire grounds before it occurred to Mina to look up and sure enough, there she was.

She somehow managed to get Rei off the roof and into a cold shower before plopping her in bed. Exhausted and about to get off duty anyway, she called the station to let them know that the disturbance had been addressed and after a quick debate, took the liberty of a brief shower and crawled into bed with Rei as they had done so many times during sleepovers back in their innocent schoolgirl days. Beneath the overwhelming smell of booze, there was still a scent that was reassuringly all Rei's own and Mina smiled, burying her face in her old friend's hair and drifting into a peaceful sleep.

The next morning, before Rei could recover enough from her massive hangover to protest, Mina signed her up for a recovery group. She would subsequently come by each day after work in order to make sure that Rei indeed attended the meetings and did not slip back into her alcoholic tendencies. It was during this time that the two rekindled their friendship and after a few months, picked up where they had left off during college with their fledgling romance that had so abruptly ended.

After a few more months of flirting and "experimenting" the two confessed their undying love for one another, moved in and declared themselves officially partners. They adopted two small children and fostered a beautiful little family that none of the other former scouts ever heard about. When Rei at last passed away at the ripe old age of 91, Mina shortly followed and their son and daughter had them buried side by side with a bottle of sake and a police badge in between.


	6. Haruka and Michiru

_Author's Note: I return! Sort of! I know I have not done much writing lately and for those who have been watching my writing I apologize. Getting ready for three weddings, all of which I am in, a promotion at work, leaving the country, and taking care of a new kitten is all a little bit time-consuming as it turns out. XD But never fear! I have not forgotten my stories- I am just working on them much more slowly than usual. XD_

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They had met in Las Vegas. Haruka still couldn't remember how she had wound up in the middle of Nevada of all places, but what the hell, she figured. Yeah it was incredibly shady business, but she needed a job, so why not just go for it? How shameful could it really be, after all it paid well.

So she had become a card dealer at the Bellagio. She actually came to really enjoy it after a few weeks and as successful as she had become, she concluded that she had simply lucked her way into her dream job.

This idea was further reinforced when one day, while dealing Blackjack to a group of Philippino businessman, at least two of whom, she was sure were card counting, she happened to look up and see a willowy young woman serving drinks to the gentlemen at the next table. Anywhere else in the country, the girl's turquoise locks might have been a little odd and over the top, but here it just seemed to suit her, even if it did make her look a little bit like a beached mermaid. Haruka found herself staring openly at the girl, wondering why she wasn't having trouble breathing when there was no water around until one of the Philippino businessmen made a comment about the turquoise-haired girl's ass and how "fine" it was.

Haruka promptly kicked his ass, resulting in her being suspended from work. She discovered later that the only reason she had not been flat-out fired was that mermaid chick had convinced her boss that the businessman had threatened her with a water pistol that had looked convincingly real. When Haruka questioned this claim a little further she discovered that the girl had planted the water pistol by the table herself, but why she had just happened to have one on her person in the first place would forever remain a mystery.

In any case, Haruka learned the girl's name was in fact Michiru and it did not take long at all for the two of them to establish a relationship, during which time Haruka would discover that her hair was in fact turquoise due to a fetish for having sex in pools with perhaps too high chlorine content. (Fortunately their continuation of this habit of hers resulted in Haruka's own hair bleaching a light blond from its original chestnut brown, rather than going ocean-tinty.)

After a few years of not-legally-marital-but-no-less-loving bliss, they considered adopting a daughter from their home country of Japan. Specifically, there was a pre-teenage girl with a troubled past and gothic nature that they were seriously working on forming a bond with, believing themselves capable of setting her on the right path as it were, but she tragically died in some sort of wood chipper accident and after that, it just did not seem worth it.

They died in one another's arms on a Ferris wheel that caught fire thirty years later and the Bellagio had a lesbian version of the Little Mermaid performed one evening in their honor.


	7. Setsuna

Setsuna loved to travel. One could have theorized that this fascination was due to her previous confinement and seclusion in her life as a sailor scout wherein she spent many many lonely days and nights in the far reaches of the galaxy, but a more accurate assessment would have centered on the fact that it turned out she was a compulsive liar, a trait undeveloped in her previous life only because there was no one to whom she could lie.

So one day she found herself in Japan talking to a mildly annoying blonde girl with pigtails who claimed to be a princess and she knew that she had found an excellent person to try out her latest story on.

"So where are you from?" The girl finally chirped after a three-hour long talk about how awesome her princely husband was and how many diamonds he had given her for her birthday.

"I am from far, far away." Setsuna replied enigmatically with a distant look about her.

"How far?"

She raised her eyes to the heavens wistfully. "Far."

The blonde girl looked vaguely intrigued. "Well what do you do for a living then?"

"I am a keeper of time." Setsuna lowered her voice. "A guardian, one might even say." The girl leaned in as she did. "It's a lonely task, but it is my cross to bear."

The girl nodded energetically, enraptured.

Of course, she might have been slightly less impressed if she had known the truth of the matter.

Setsuna lived in London, not on a distant planet, and she was a clock-cleaner for Big Bend, which might have actually sounded somewhat cool until one was reminded that she spent her days scrubbing bird poop off of a giant clock.

At any rate, this girl was not going to guess any of that any time soon and so she continued to embellish her story with tales of past lives and princesses and vanquishing evil monsters until she began to half-believe them herself.


	8. The Starlights

Seiya, Taiki and Yaten meanwhile arrived from another galaxy and quickly adapted to life on Earth as they rose to fame as Backstreet Boys-like pop stars who in their spare time cross-dressed like female hookers in order to fight crime. Because the author of this story could not find a way to make that any more ridiculous than it already was.


End file.
